Always the hottest person in a wheelchair @ Sloan Kettering.
This will be a short one tonight. So I have been casually dating for a couple of weeks now. Nothing serious yet. Won’t go into details about that at this time, but I do want to discuss the topic of grief relapse tonight and how it can impact you.
I was warned about it, and the warnings are true. Guilt, grief, fear, and even shame are all emotions you can expect to feel for no damn good reason when you enter this stage of your life as a widow/er. You feel guilty that you are not sitting in a dark corner drinking yourself to death. You are fearful that you will meet someone someday, fall in love, only to have to go through this all over again. You want to quit, to remain in this terrible space because while you are not happy, you are terrified of feeling worse.
I’m not an idiot, I know that isn’t a way to live. I know I have to push through, but it is amazing just how powerful grief is, and how it can hit you. It crippled me for 2 days this week. All over irrelevant bullshit. But that’s all it takes, one trigger and you are hit with a wave of grief.
One such trigger was Sunday night. I was going through Felecci’s cellphone and found a bunch of great pictures. Some of which I didn’t know she took. This picture here was at one of our very last visits to her Oncologist. She was very sick, but look how beautiful she still looked. Then and now as I write this, I was overcome by grief.
I feel guilty for trying to do what we talked about. What she wanted me to do. What I didn’t want to have to go through. Even though she is gone, the thought of having to find the strength to love again is terrifying. It is also something I want badly. I am not made for dating, I was much happier being a husband. This mix of emotions can be crippling. It takes a good portion of my energy just to push through the day in spite of it.
So when I came across this picture, I realized that I won’t be able to hide from this. I will have to simply deal with it just like she dealt with the knowledge that there were no more drug trials. We were going home to wait for her to die, there was nothing else we could do now. She accepted it but continued to be herself. More somber, but not beaten. She did her best to try to have just a little bit of happiness. I pray to God if I did anything right in this world, I made her happy.
Looking back, I wonder if I did enough. I felt that I just didn’t have enough time and was too overcome myself with depression. I think my guilt comes from my wanting to do more. I have to look myself in the mirror and recognize that a part of me thinks I could have done more. I don’t know if it is true, but the thought alone hurts worse than anything.
Hindsight is 20/20, and I have to own these feelings in order to process them. Good thing I have a blog paid up thru 2018 to confess to. Doesn’t make it easier to carry. However, with the truth exposed, I can’t deny them. I can’t hide from it.