The “I don’t want to do this anymore” mood.

Our trip to the Bahamas.  She had a good time, I pretended to for her sake. No one can describe the ebb and flow of grief accurate enough to explain just how deep the hurt is when you are on a downswing.  How dark your thoughts become, and how much this changes you.  The anger, sadness, apathy, (not to mention feeling the most alone I have ever felt in my life) occurs when I am having a particularly bad day.  Today is such a day and now is such a time. This is what I want to yell at people…

Happy 40th Birthday Sweetie.

Today would have been your 40th Birthday.  You wanted a white cake like I got for your 30th birthday, but this time with cannoli cream like our wedding cake.  I couldn’t bring myself to get one – the pain of getting it and not having you here to share it with would have been too much. I miss you terribly, but you know that.  Not having you around to just check in on or come to bed and cuddle with leaves me with a large void in my heart. I have wondered how our life would have worked out had…

Paralysis by analysis and the “comfort” of our little bubbles.

(In less than 2 weeks from now, she would have turned 40.  Fuck.) So it’s been probably ~3 months since I have last written a post on this blog.  Felecci’s 40th birthday is almost at hand and I am in the mood to reflect on my journey now that I am just over 6 months removed from losing the woman I love.  This mood is in no small part due to my recent trip to Camp Widow and meeting many of the community members I have interacted with since this stage of my life began.  They warned of a “crash”…

What to look for? 21st Century Dating: Volume 2

Relationships don’t just happen.  Or do they? I didn’t think I would be as far along this road as I am.  When Felecci was still alive and we discussed what happens after, I hated it.  I didn’t want to consider that I would have to find a second person to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m realizing that I may have had an even better relationship with Felecci than even I knew.  It’s the only thing that explains how I am getting along with this now, and how I have such clarity.  She made me promise to live…

Now what? 21st Century Dating: Volume 1

Not recommended for first dates.  Funny, but you better have serious game.  Awesome once you know the girl though. So once the crying is over, the anger and sadness have subsided, and you start to feel acceptance, you start to wonder one thing.  Now what?  This is the point where you start picking yourself back up.  Being someone who is obsessed once I have decided to put my mind to something, I have started to wonder: now what do I do?  I know I will have setbacks, but I want to go back to living my life.  I want to find…

Ramblings about faith.

Yep.  I was married in a Roman Catholic church and I didn’t even get hit by lightning.  Cool. I have a funny relationship with God.  I am willing to believe he exists, but the methods presented in order to learn about him are flawed.  The simple fact that I refer to God as a he is engrained by the teachings of the Roman Catholic church.  They teach us that Jesus was a white man with long straight blonde or brown hair.  I won’t get into a debate over this here, but suffice to say I have my doubts. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_and_appearance_of_Jesus All…

My right to pursue happiness.

Raise your hand if you were her husband.  Ok, then don’t tell me how to feel or what to do. I’ve been annoyed about this for a while now, though not specifically annoyed at anyone.  A lot of this is likely my own imagination, but it is there all the same.  Some of it isn’t my imagination, and I am sure some of it hasn’t been said but thought.  So let me clear the air. I feel like I am entitled to do what I want.  I feel I earned that right. But there is this unspoken feeling that my…