Paralysis by analysis and the “comfort” of our little bubbles.

(In less than 2 weeks from now, she would have turned 40.  Fuck.) So it’s been probably ~3 months since I have last written a post on this blog.  Felecci’s 40th birthday is almost at hand and I am in the mood to reflect on my journey now that I am just over 6 months removed from losing the woman I love.  This mood is in no small part due to my recent trip to Camp Widow and meeting many of the community members I have interacted with since this stage of my life began.  They warned of a “crash”…

Grief Relapse: When it all comes flooding back.

Always the hottest person in a wheelchair @ Sloan Kettering. This will be a short one tonight.  So I have been casually dating for a couple of weeks now.  Nothing serious yet.  Won’t go into details about that at this time, but I do want to discuss the topic of grief relapse tonight and how it can impact you. I was warned about it, and the warnings are true.  Guilt, grief, fear, and even shame are all emotions you can expect to feel for no damn good reason when you enter this stage of your life as a widow/er.  You…

What to look for? 21st Century Dating: Volume 2

Relationships don’t just happen.  Or do they? I didn’t think I would be as far along this road as I am.  When Felecci was still alive and we discussed what happens after, I hated it.  I didn’t want to consider that I would have to find a second person to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m realizing that I may have had an even better relationship with Felecci than even I knew.  It’s the only thing that explains how I am getting along with this now, and how I have such clarity.  She made me promise to live…

Now what? 21st Century Dating: Volume 1

Not recommended for first dates.  Funny, but you better have serious game.  Awesome once you know the girl though. So once the crying is over, the anger and sadness have subsided, and you start to feel acceptance, you start to wonder one thing.  Now what?  This is the point where you start picking yourself back up.  Being someone who is obsessed once I have decided to put my mind to something, I have started to wonder: now what do I do?  I know I will have setbacks, but I want to go back to living my life.  I want to find…

Ramblings about faith.

Yep.  I was married in a Roman Catholic church and I didn’t even get hit by lightning.  Cool. I have a funny relationship with God.  I am willing to believe he exists, but the methods presented in order to learn about him are flawed.  The simple fact that I refer to God as a he is engrained by the teachings of the Roman Catholic church.  They teach us that Jesus was a white man with long straight blonde or brown hair.  I won’t get into a debate over this here, but suffice to say I have my doubts. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_and_appearance_of_Jesus All…

My right to pursue happiness.

Raise your hand if you were her husband.  Ok, then don’t tell me how to feel or what to do. I’ve been annoyed about this for a while now, though not specifically annoyed at anyone.  A lot of this is likely my own imagination, but it is there all the same.  Some of it isn’t my imagination, and I am sure some of it hasn’t been said but thought.  So let me clear the air. I feel like I am entitled to do what I want.  I feel I earned that right. But there is this unspoken feeling that my…

A work in progress: Living with grief.

I refuse to fully open my eyes until I get a damn cup of coffee. Aside from needing to shave, I don’t look all that unusual in this picture.  This is a picture of me from earlier in the week.  I am trying to see if I can smile without it looking weird to myself.  On this day, I couldn’t even manage to fake it.  All I was able to accomplish was smirk a bit. My eyes look sleepy because I only got about six hours of sleep.  I seem to need less sleep lately but it is starting to…